Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
do herpes really smell.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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