Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
