I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
