The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
