just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Someone came in the potted fern
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
