he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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