it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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