i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
