too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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