I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
