I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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