Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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