So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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