UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
