Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
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