If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
