The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
