i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
