I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
