Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
