I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
