You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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