i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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