I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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