Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
