never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
