My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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