stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
