And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
