Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
