I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
