fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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