She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
