shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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