I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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