dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize