Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dicks are not precious.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
