I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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