i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
