just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
