i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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