After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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