She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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