Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
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I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
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Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize