I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i barfeds in our rink
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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