Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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