So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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