I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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