If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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