I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Im part way to drunk.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
