my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
