i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
