What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
