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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
