Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
